Love Stalking My Soul; EmpowerMe to Write

Wise Affirmations for this Season in My Life.....

2011-07-10T05:13:00.000-07:00

God allows everything to happen for a reason. Circumstances will either direct you, correct you, or perfect you!. don't give up , keep the faith & go ahead ...with love-----------We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world. The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do. Change your thoughts, and you change your world.

We attract people by the qualities we display, we keep them by the qualities we possess...........................................I don't believe in pessimism. If something doesn't come up the way you want, forge ahead. If you think it's going to rain, it will........................................................................................We are not forces that are acted upon but forces that create action...We move through life as it moves through us...

“Learn to listen, because sometimes the chance knocking at the door very quietly...”..........................................With time you learn that love, true love, has joys and sorrows, is ever present, cannot be duplicated, and defies true definition, often pushing reason aside. And you learn that through it all you can endure, that you really are strong and you have value beyond measure. The tiniest bit of love, acted upon, can be the most fulfilling aspect of your entire life. Embrace the love you have...

The same "stone" that "the builder" refuses, may become the head corner stone...reality!! wake up!!”Everybody's looking for something. Something, that makes it all complete. You"ll find it in the strangest places; in your lover's eyes, in the deepest friendship, in the words of others.. a simple word can make you smile or cry. But when you have found that special thing, you'll fly without wings... Stop planning your life, let it plan itself! Quit trying to find the perfect men, let him find you. Life is so easy. Things are only as complicated as we make them. Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we careabout leaves.. but the truth is it's not our loss! It's theirs bec ause they left the only person in the world who would never give up on them. At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.

The future is mine to have by not allowing the past to dictate! And not allowing others to try to dictate my present! So, walk beside me.........................................All life demands struggle. Those who have everything given to them become lazy, selfish, and insensitive to the real values of life. The very striving and hard work that we so constantly try to avoid is the major building block in the person we are today

As one door is closed in your life, a new opens before you. Take a moment to pause briefly at this threshold, and know that you are moving forward and that is for the best. Approach this new door with great confidence in your heart, for you have a so much to offer and so much to look forward to. Open each new door with trust, holding your hopes and dreams very near.... Knowing that the world is waiting for the goodness and the love you carry with you.

give you a chance to win again , don't hope , create today ,, make the miracle now don't give up ,keep the faith and never stop to beleive in you ...

Keep doing what your doing you'll keep getting what you get! Now do something different.

Yes I Can: ...Deliver yourself. You will succeed not because you're allowed to, but because you decide to. You will prosper not because of the hand you've been dealt, but because of what you do with it. You can allow yourself to be held back by what is, or you can choose to create what can be. Whatever comes your way is insignificant when compared to what you make of it. Though others may have impressive wealth and other advantages going for them, remember this. You have you going for you. You have a solid, authentic purpose, and the determination to fulfill that purpose. You have a unique perspective, and the ability to leverage that perspective into real, lasting value. That's more than enough to take you wherever you choose to go, no matter what your starting point may be. Whether circumstances favor you or not, your commitment and your actions can always be working in your favor. Don't waste your time obsessing over what's unfair or unfortunate about your situation. Put all your energy into what you can do, into the positive steps you can take, and deliver yourself to wherever you wish to be.

Yes U Can: ...You are a person of courage and strength, and nothing can take that away. No circumstance that comes in too your life can alter who you really are. You are a person of kindness and warmth with uncounted gifts yet to give. No matter how stormy the world is around you, your spirit still shines through. Whatever life bring, please believe in these two things...YOU ARE STRAONGER THAN YOU MAY IMAGINE, AND YOU ARE NEVER ALONE...

Believe in You: ...wisdom is better than silver & gold .... upgrade your wisdom to be better and better ..... Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. I want freedom for the full expression of my personality. No matter how slow the film, Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer It has chosen. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. Mother Teresa (1910 - 1997) You can't be angry with God and not believe in him at the same time. Whatever God's dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates. A God that can be understood is no God. Who can explain the Infinite in words? W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965), I myself do nothing. The Holy Spirit accomplishes all through me.

Risk: ...To laugh is to risk appearing a fool To weep is to risk appearing sentimental To reach out for another is to risk involvement To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self To place your ideal, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss To love is to risk not being loved in return To live is to risk dying To hope is to risk despair To try is to risk failure Yet risks must be taken Because the greatest hazard in life is risking NOTHING The person who risks nothing Does nothing Has nothing Is nothing Self-realisation is harder than Self Sacrifice

no more tears:
Revelation 21:4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away

time:
Appreciate each day & let your loved ones know they matter because we don't know when we're gonna lose that opportunity. Live positive.”

LOVE:
THE MORE YOU HAVE TO OFFER AND GIVE .THE HARDER IT IS TO FIND SOMEONE SPECIAL TO TAKE IT .....

be POSITIVE:
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort....”The force without justice is violence. The truth without a force inertia.(Sosai Masutatsu Oyama) At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss. (Paulo Coelho) It's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't done! Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we careabout leaves.. but the truth is it's not our loss! It's theirs because they left the only person in the world who would never give up on them./ We can complain that roses have thorns, or rejoice that thorns have roses?? / Man can live about 40 days without food; about 3 days without water; about 2 minutes without air; but only for 1 second without hope../ Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and then wishing you hadn't or saying nothing and wishing you had? / Sometimes when I say "oh, I'm fine", I want someone to look into my eyes and say: "tell the truth!"/

back to God:
Life is too short and hard. We think we are at safe and make a lot of plans for tomorrow. But we realize how fragile World and the strengh of Nature are and how soon and easily our projects and life can be destroyed in seconds. Then it's when we remember to pray and come back to God to help and save us. wisdom is better than silver & gold .... upgrade your wisdom to be better and better ..... Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. I want freedom for the full expression of my personality. No matter how slow the film, Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer It has chosen. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

If I knew back then what I know now if I understood the what when why and how, though it's clear to me what I should've known. My hindsight is 20/20

If someone wants you, nothing can keep them away. If they don't want you, nothing can make them stay. Stop making excuses for them and their behavior. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Never live your life for a person before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the person was not treating you as you deserve then, heck no you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like they are stringing you along, then they probably are. Don't stay because you think "it will get better". You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Always have your own set of friends separate from their. Maintain boundaries in how they treat you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let them know everything. They will just use it against you later. You cannot cahnge a persons behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make them feel they are more important than you are. They are human...

rise up again:
Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow us down a bit, but we will enjoy the smooth roads afterwards. Failures and problems are not the things to be scared of, they can lead to breakthroughs and great discoveries. Success is not for the timid. It is for those who seek guidance make decisions and take decisive action. Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow us down a bit, but we will enjoy the smooth roads afterwards. Failures and problems are not the things to be scared of, they can lead to breakthroughs and great discoveries. Success is not for the timid.

Believe:
Always see the glass full no matter how empty it appears to be,because it's by faith and determination you can change things

together:
A Great Relationship Happens When Two People Who Truly Understand Each Other and Love Each Other for Who They Are Come Together and Create Something Stronger Than Either of Them Could Ever Be on Their Own

Mental Fourplay...

2011-05-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

•
I write because I am poetry, I am the rhyme, the imagery,the verbs, the metaphors, I am the opportunity for creativity, even when its just an audience of one knowing at my door. Like most I desire a release from my daily frustrations, a safe haven for my doubts and pains...and if Life has taught me nothing else, I knw that longstrokes and spoonfed positions will only take us so far....but I seek a moment that will last, a 'feel good' encounter more for my mind and spirit -not just my body. Stimlate my mind and you have my attention, stimulate my mind, body and spirit together and you'll have me forever!

I wanna sit under icy stars...
Connect the dots, make faces that emblaze across our 'home'.
I wanna sniff the sheets of our writings and
Savor the moment for just another minute
I wanna put my head across your chest,
In awe of the musical agreement our heartbeats have decided upon.
I wanna preserve you like ripe fruit and spread you thick to nourish my past. I wanna sustain you in the poems of my heart- that's been missing.
let you seep into my skin...
Beg your eyes not to call out my transparency
but I know you will ...but its fine.
Take my common sense for high ransom
I won't mind.
•
I wanna get closer to you...
like im wearing religion on Sundays,
I wanna digest your thoughts, making them a part of me
dream of the 'goodlife' with u, bask in excellence,
all with you.
Last night,
I thought of a dozen ways we could live,
teaching each other how to breathe
without oxygen
just collaborations of genius
we crafted,
between stained fingers and intertwined strands
of lust and Love(afterthoughts)...
coasting on intangible planes of Pure.
not meant for consumption
yet you ate off my plate of afflicted beautiful
like your last meal was at stake
i fed you spoonfuls of consistent inconsistency...
washed your tongue with my words,
smiling in the moments when our palates met gracefully-
kissed tatsefully.
•
imperfected flawlessly, we reached
so far beyond any planet or star,
wat would we name this Abyss?
sealed with a kiss of wrists
wanting to lay lazily across your midriff
and allow our souls to sift
between what our needs write
and what our wants speak..
to us.

Love of my life....Zuri.b!

2011-05-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

So, I know it's been awhile since I've opened myself up to you again....I promise I'm not this negligent when it comes to fourplay with my pen and paper(or in the blogging world, fingers and laptop play...lol)

But I have been sooooo busy, overwhelmed....and happily in love with my new baby girl! Zuri Kai'lynn, born on March 13, 2011 at 12:12pm....My lil beautiful buttafly has consumed my world and I'm loving every moment of it!

So I assure you I will be back to write soon....about the grown&sexy stuff, but until then, come visit us over in Zuri's world (click on zuri's world) for a weekly update on my journey into 'new-mommy-dom'

Love&Light to you ....

Buttafly.

Re-authoring my Truth....my legacy will not be 2nd rate!

2011-02-26T17:59:00.000-08:00

Sitting here with so many revelations....oh, the visions that transition will bring...especially when you are carrying new life within you. She has revealed so much to me about myself. And she's has yet to be physically born. So much I allowed to llay dormant or just simply chose to overlook...even denying the constant urges to research my family pathologies and patterns. But there are some life lessons that just keep wooping you over and over again until you acknowledge and VALUE the necessity of the test. Tests reveal. Tests heal. Tests confirm.....that I have earned my stripes of maturity into womanhood.....indeed, I believe I'm getting closer.

So, I decided that I needed to face myself....the real me....the creative, loving, sensual, yet-needy, lonely and fearful me....fearful of being alone...of failing in motherhood-carrying poisonous family pathologies prevalent in my mother and grandmother-that I've ran from for years-passing them on to my daughter. I need to look at myself. the transition from 2010 to 2011 started when I opened myself up to date/become intimately involved with a man when I was just 2 months pregnant. I trusted him...I felt that I needed him...I believed his presence, his words, his touch was truthful and genuine...I was certain that he had my best interest at heart-so I collasped......realizing now, that a woman should never fully collapse in a relationship,she should always leave apart of herself for HERSELF!.....Guilty, angry, feeling foolish and open....vulnerbale, taken for granted...I cried, I purged, I questioned the Universe why I continue to attract emotionally unavailable men.....

I then became aware that I had lived and breathed and made that identity my home for so many years. Primarily because it was an unconcious-learned behavior....carrying the energy from my mother and grandmother's painful experiences.... I was a good consoler, nurturer, confidant, companion, lover...to men who didnt belong to me-their hearts had already chosen who would be a priority to them, they had already decided on their #1....and I....

I was just an escape from reality-#2....the replaceable. Being in second place its such a lonely, empty, desperate place...like a parasite eating away at your self worth and confidence. And so, this parasite I had allowed to mimic my smile, my walk, the sway in my hips....it even smelled like me, batted its eyes and bit its bottom lip like me(two things that drive men crazy about me).....lately, I've questioned myself, how long would I accept this warped truth about my self worth? Is this the identity and emotional legacy I am imparting into my daughter? A legacy of imbalanced energy? A legacy of hoping, wishing, dreaming and never manifesting a life partner who will give me above and beyond what I am able to give him?!.... Hell no! I want, deserve and will have more!

So what did I learn? I learned that at the exact moment of spiritual enlightenment....I have the power to re-author my truth....

Truth is: When you’re the other woman, you’re an escape from reality. Trust me, he’d never want the type of reality that he has with his wife or girlfriend with you because that would mean that it would get boring.

Truth is: They are all liars. I don’t care what bullshit stuff he’s said to win you around, they have to lie in order to maintain the situation. Looking back I realize what an idiotic thing that was for me to think. Lying is lying and the only way that he could juggle both of us was by lying to both of us.

Truth is: Your situation with him is not unique, you would be surprised how the excuses for having an affair all boil down to only a few basic excuses that are trotted out all over the world. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a mud hut in the middle of Africa, or in what you think is your plush life in the city; Lots of men claim that their partner doesn’t understand them. MANY claim that they are no longer sleeping with them. PLENTY claim that they stay with their partner for the kids. SOME claim that their jobs frown upon divorce. OTHERS say that she wouldn’t be able to cope. MOST of them claim that they are just waiting for the right time, the right moment, the right second/minute/hour/day/year to break the news. I don't deny that every situation will feel unique to you but the great thing about the key relationship issues that befall us, is that they are shared everywhere and the problems are as old as time itself. How and why he does it isn’t really that important because it all boils down to dishonesty and a lack of integrity.

Truth is: People/Men that cheat are manipulators. You might not want to see his behaviour in this light, but he has to manipulate you in order to manage the situation. The manipulation, while he might not perceive it as such, is all of the stuff that he says to get you on his side, to get you off his back, and to keep you on ice so that you don’t break away looking for a new guy. All of sudden I looked too good for other guys, every guy was trying to fuck me..... All of these things added to the belief that if I just tried a little harder and was a little less strong and independent, he would leave her.

Truth is: Women treat being with married or attached men like a competitive sport. We are nurturers, most women have self esteem issues of some sort, and we like to dig our heels in for the long haul and prove our worthiness. My whole relationship with him became focused on me getting him to see how worthy I was of not being a SECRET. My self esteem gradually took a battering and the reality is that even though I believed that getting him to desire me as authentically as I desired him would lift me to prime status, I was an emotional wreck.

Men love doing the Poor Pathetic Me Whine – “She doesn’t understand me. She won’t give me a head. She’s needy. She doesn’t fuck me like you do. She’s demanding.” This translates in our mind to “I will understand you. I will suck your dick till you’re cumin out of your ears. I won’t need you too much. I will fuck you just right-the way you like it. I won’t be demanding and ask too much of you” and it becomes like a marathon that never ends. Our self esteem is tied into our success at gaining his attention but most importantly, gaining him, so of course the longer that he stays with her, the longer that his actions don’t match his words, is the lower and lower your self esteem sinks. I know some women who don’t feel that a man has been validated unless he ‘belongs’ to someone else. The sad thing is that by being involved with my guy, I invalidated many of the good things I believed about myself and relationships and I really had to piece myself back together again and get a sense of who the hell I was.

These men take part time lover to a whole new level. When I look back at my ‘relationship’ with him, I realize that I was with him for less than 10% of an entire week. If someone else told me that they were going to give me ten percent of their time, I’d tell them to f*ck off! Instead my life was snatched moments, texts, emails, lonely nights and pretending to my family and bestfriend that I was single and happy when I was emotionally invested in a emotionally unavailable man.

Enough is Enough!

My Zuri deserves to inherit a new legacy...one that she can carry proudly with the correct assessment of a man and his worth and a woman and her worth, and how the two can form a union of worthiness...manifesting powerful family patterns and pathologies that are uplifting and enriching, rather than parasitic! So I'm doing this for her....more importantly, I'm making sure I know how to breathe properly....so my daughter can exhale in peace....all the days of her life.

"I'm Tired!".....

2011-02-06T13:47:00.000-08:00

Watching Kelly Price on the Monique Show really opened up some unspoken emotions within me!....What a good way to reinforce my affirmations for the year!....Indeed, being TIRED....as pushed me to this point to desire a change. When you become tired of being tired.....this song will speak volumes to you! Sing Kelly!

The Law of Attraction: Life and Love Affirmations 2011

2011-02-06T12:45:00.000-08:00

The Law states: I attract to myself, whatever I give my focus, attention, or energy to; whether wanted or unwanted. If you think about being broke, poor, lonely and believe your thoughts guess what? That is exactly what you'll be. This Law applies to your life and every other person's life on the planet. Like all laws, it is impartial and impersonal, which means it works when you want it to and when you don't want it to.

Everything comes to us through the most elemental law of physics - Like Attracts Like! Like Attracts Like is nothing more than the Law of Attraction. It is absolute and has nothing to do with your personality, your religious beliefs, being a "good" or a "bad" person or anything else. No one lives beyond this Law. It is an unquestionable law of the universe.

I didn't want to believe it. It was my circumstances that had brought me to where I was. I couldn't possibly be responsible. Then I read in James Allen's - As A Man Thinketh, "Circumstance does not make the man; it reveals him to himself."

Without action, nothing happens.

From your affirming and envisioning will come ideas and inspirations. Act upon these when they occur. This year, I realized that it is important for me to understand that just daydreaming about my desire will not bring it to manifestation. I must act upon the ideas I get, that action will bring me ultimately to my desire.

So here are my Affirmations for the year... reciting them outloud before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning has already began to shift my thought patterns throughout the day. I don't have as many negative, depressing, worrying, hopeless thoughts and when they do come, they don't consume me. Ultimately, I make a CHOICE daily...moment by moment... to focus my energy and attention only on what I want and desire and DESERVE in my life.....
The hardest part in applying this law....is actually BELIEVING what you say and think. 2011 is my year to BELIEVE and MANIFEST....will you journey with me?

Affirmation for Life:

I am grateful for being alive and healthy
I am grateful for having the power to design my life
Today I am focusing on the good things in life
…and give thanks for them.
I know for things to change, I need to change
I take time everyday to find peace with myself
Everything I need is within me
I am strong and full of confidence
I can do anything
I am a winner
I believe in all my possibilities
I live with focus, courage, and determination
I live a life full of passion and purpose
I am a leader
I deserve success
I deserve abundance
Money flows easily and frequently to me
I am a money magnet and everything I touch turns into gold
Today wonderful opportunities come to me
I take time to laugh and play
I deserve happiness
I accept myself as I am
I am as free as a bird
I am free to be myself
I am a success in all that I do
I have the power to control my health
I am healthy in all aspects of my being
I am a forgiving and a loving person
The more I love, the more love I get
I deserve love…and give love
I am at peace with myself
I am one with everything around me
I am a wonderful creation
I accept peace and joy in all aspects of my life
I am at one with the inner child in me
I feel the love, joy and abundance
Today I will live this day as if it were my last day on this planet!
I will enjoy every minute of it
I am grateful to be alive!

Affirmation for Love:

Here is my vision: We are already connected
He comes to me in freedom
Now, we meet, greet, touch, know…we know.
I open and receive my soul mate in 2011
Welcome…
Ever deeper home…
His spiritual path is deep, wide and long
He is grounded, mature
Successful, strong, masculine
Handsome, balanced and oohhhh!...so sexy!
And sometimes very silly.
We are tender…
Our lives are filled with laughter
Eloquent silences…
Soul filled glory
A synergistic dance of dark and light
Our lovemaking is a tantric delight
Nourishing, healing us and…
I am a wild woman!
I am nurturing, surrendered, beautiful
I am irresistible to him!!
He gets me….i mean,
He REALLY gets me!
We adore each other
We activate each other deeply
I inspire him
We celebrate our love in 2012
Among flowers…and water
The universe is blessed by our sacred union
We are devoted to each other
We are entrepreneurs
Our relationship manifests its dynamic purpose
Our resources overflow in service
We work together, inspiring others
And making a difference.
From the Oneness of Spirit in Matter
He comes to me
He comes to me now.
Under grace and in perfect ways,
Blessed Be.
Thank You Universe. It is so.

For you....One day.

2011-01-07T20:20:00.000-08:00

Wishful Thinking…..one day , I’ll look him in his eyes….and say:

Thank You for your love and thank you for your undying passion that has penetrated my soul to unexplainable depths. From the day I met you loving you has been as simple as breathing, You encourage me, you enlighten me, to be pure in life, as life has given us this life to live.

Can I tell you, that I’ve never seen so much wrong or right with me, till the day I met you. As I believe love has a mirror effect- for we are the essence of all energy we attract, pieces of you lie within me….so I examine myself…as love will instruct you to do-yet I find comfort in that I am not perfect, I make mistakes and you still love me and that’s a God kinda love…unconditional… You’ve have been the rain that my dry earth needed. Going inside of me saturating my very existence with the love of God. Witnessing your devotion and dedication to be by my side, lifting me and upholding me when I’m broken. Comforting me when I’m burdened, all the while consuming me and taking me to a place that is yet unknown, I can’t express the unexpressable expressions. I can’t say what I feel to say, because language doesn’t suffice, songs and poems cannot fully contain the width and breadth of my soul’s enjoyment when I think of a life with you.

Here I am…divorced, starting over, healed…refusing to accept my experience as ‘baggage’(as negative as we make it sound)…but as the much needed experience to allow me to grow and build tolerance for what I deserve and what I don’t deserve in a relationship…..and while I am aware that I have matured and become wiser….I still…again…choose to love…with no reservations…to let go…to allow you to be for me what your heart desires and as crazy as it sounds….I am excited! I am in love now…not a year from now or months from now…not when I’m able to see you every weekend or wake up to you everyday…but NOW…..I am in love with you- and I know the man that you are when we are together….and I know the man you really are when I’m in your presence…I know the way you look at me…I know how you kiss me…how you smile at my funny faces…how you hold me in your lap….I know….and I want you to always know that,

I will hold you, I will care for you, I will respect you, I will protect you, I will assure you, I will pray for you, I will pray with you, I will embrace you, I will endure with you, I will cry with you, I will laugh with you, I will sing with you, I will dance with you, I will struggle with you, I will fight for you, I will stand with you, I will stand for you, I will live with you, I will comfort you, I will trust you, I will understand you, I will learn about you, I will listen to you, I will not reject you, I will not deny you, I will not overlook you, I will not neglect you, I will not be cruel to you, I will not misuse you, I will not mislead you, I will not abuse you, I will make love to you, I will bare children for you, I will train them with you, I will teach them with you, I will continually thank God for you, I will continually thank God with you, I will stay committed to you, I will stay honest towards you, I will remain faithful to you….And without asking, I trust that you will do the same...

Caught up in the knot of this Soul-Tie...Naked and Unashamed.

2011-01-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

I need you to fight for me- give me a reason not to walk away....thoughts of you flood my day...are you still here?...with me?
do you think about me....and what do the thoughts entail?
are you regretful or remorseful....?
do you want this....anymore?

I think to myself, I can't believe I have fallen so deeply again for someone who seems so distant, yet in arms reach simultaneously....

What is it that makes a woman continue to fall for a man who cant and wont love her the same in return. Is it true that we cant stand to be rejected and feel the need to conquer the unconquerable……I find it hard to believe that shallow assumption….considering the depth of what a woman feels for a particular man….its definitely more than just trying to conquer him…suggesting a journey along a lost quest with the need for a long awaited victory…to say that…’this is mine’…’I have won’…..’I have power over that which I have conquered’…..needless to say it is not that simple…at least not for me. I don’t want to conquer you…..I’d rather us rule together and conquer our fears…simultaneously…one moment, with each other, at a time.

I thought for sure this was it...the last time I would play with the 'idea' of love....
secretly praying for a miricle daily, that you would love me instantly as I do you...recognizing this powerful virtue as energy-instead of a fearful endeavor that can't be spoken of without protocol....

I love you...and I loved you with everything in me as only I am capable of doing a hundred percent....I've never known how to do this halfway...so I take my chances, playing russian ruelette with my heart and emotions, squeeze my eyes tight....nostrils wide open...eyes bright and attentive...and I give you all of me....all that is in me....all of me.

I miss you like my heart misses its beat in between breaths....
inhaling and exhaling your eyes....my chest rises to every occasion I have at the tip of your tongue...carefully...you fill me. with each thrust you fill me. with each kiss you fill me. with each hand ran across my damp skin and sun-kissed crevices...you fill me.

...and in the same instant I roll over only to find you dressed and walking out the door. and again, I am empty.

this has got to stop....the struggle- the tug of war between your heart and mine. You want to say I miss you back, but you won’t…
You want to tell me how much you think of me, but you won’t. You won’t because in your mind you have to keep everything in perspective…owning your emotions, keeping them bound by heartache, career goals and frustration. But your perspective is not my perspective, yet…I understand.

and to be honest...I don't want to understand anymore... at least not by myself....I want to innerstand my vulnerabilities, and overstand with your heart and mines in the same hand...balanced...equally examined...equally understanding.

I'm tired...and all I ask, is the chance to let go...fall back...and know that you are there to catch me, as I have caught you....in this soul-tie.

More Revelation: Eat, Pray, [make] Love.....

2010-12-26T22:13:00.000-08:00

It took me a long time to finally watch this movie. In fact I stopped desiring to watch the movie after awhile because for some reason I felt maybe it just didn’t call to me. Nevertheless, it was too difficult to watch because I, myself, felt her agony/suffering/darkness in the beginning of the movie and it may have reminded me of those dark years of my life which, though I have surpassed and has made me into the person I am today, still squeezes my heart in pain & knocks the air out of me whenever I remember how it felt to be in that darkness. But basically I watched this movie very slow because all throughout I also needed to reflect on my own existential crisis and joy....

or shall I say my existential reality...pregnancy. I am still in awe of myself and the changes my body, mind and spirit are going through at this very moment. This movie helped me bring to surface some unspoken reservations and fears I had of myself...and as Liz...illustrates the writing of her character so artistically in this movie....I am appreciative of where I am...right now...

Favorite Quotes/Revelations from the movie, Eat, Pray, Love...

When Richard from Texas says to Liz about her feelings for David-
"Your problem is you don't know what the word means. People think a soul mate is our perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life"

Just toward the ending of 2010, I came to this conclusion, while reflecting on my present 'love'....who I can honestly say, if I go by energy alone, and step away from 'logic' and protocol.....this man is my soul mate. To meet a man...in the second month of pregnancy, who not only professes his attraction and unexplainable devotion to you, but to your unborn life as well....patient, calm, organized, careful...thoughtful....not anxious...a man that handles you in such a way that it scares you how much he has revealed to you about yourself without ever saying a word. He is my mirror....and because I know the love I have, though careless to some, is without restraint....I am convinced that he is a reflection of the God in me....unexplainably, unconditionally, unordinarily loving.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than the man himself. And then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been the victim of my own optimism"

I inhale dreams birthing visions unclear, laced on my face sketches of pillow wishes becoming as one with you-Desperate for magical nights- love glistinin between shy highs-within the deep walls of my thighs...behold my affection is your delight.
My soul is desperate....to love you, to love on you, to share myself with you, to give you all that I have-because my love is known for sustainment...though I may be parched...I habitually seek to quench your thirst first...I can't help it, until now....
you have shown me how to help myself, first, so we may drink of life together.

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it – I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness and noting will ever exhaust me.”

so powerful. so Divine. so free....like living a life full of the simplest pleasures...Eating, Praying and [making] Love!

*Let's Toast*...Here's to enjoying the loves of my life in 2011....a long awaited answered prayer, my baby...and my man.

Rebirth...

2010-12-14T22:15:00.000-08:00

So one thing that serves true about pregnancy….it is an emotional roller coaster indeed!....I can’t count the amount of times I have laughed and cried within the same sentence…moment of time…tears and laughter…excitement and intense fear sharing the same minute. I know now…and I am all too familiar with dark places, depression….deep reflections….emotional turmoil; but this, this wave of unpredictableness is an experience like never before…

Thoughts of love lost and gained, uncertainty about my decisions, choices and future-for myself and my child, financial insecurity, emotional betrayal by close friends haunting my heart, grieving and celebrating change simultaneously….afraid of this next chapter of motherhood…yet welcoming the unknown and the unexpected, bound by the ‘free’ of my spirit….afraid of finishing alone….wanting so badly to be comfortable….a peaceful place of stability…a sense of success and normalcy-according to my beliefs and foundation of holistic living…..I just want to be! I just want to make up my mind…I just want to know what my next move will be…or will I remain still for a lil while longer…will I decide on what passion to force a career out of…or will I remain free versed and gifted in many areas all at once….will I be able to start afresh….show my lil one a different path to take….prepare her for the culture, the smoke screen of life…the simple mindedness of people….most importantly, the beautiful virtue of love……will I be able to free her from my grievances, disappointments and failures…..OR….will she free me?....

Even as I type, with swollen, heavy, teary eyes….aching joints….and a belly full of life….I am still in expectancy…not just for her birth…but for my rebirth. This time around will be like none other. Namaste. Ase’. Amen.

There's no place like home...with a Midwife!

2010-12-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

"Suspended between worlds...half in and half out.."

For months now, my truth has been that…..I am scared. I don’t know what I’m doing….I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be doing….and with those feelings come a sense of guilt and a subtle panic, like mad at myself as to why I didn’t have all this together before she came….but then little moments of enlightenment come….maybe her manifestation will help me manifest more into the REAL me. I wish I could have known the real me all along…to help me figure out what it is that I was destined to do…..and what it is that I want to do.

Presently, I feel stuck in a job that forces me to conceal stress during the day, holding back emotional outburst, ligament uncomforts…surrounded by overly hyperactive, at times, disrespectful…hormonal teenagers….six classes of attitudes, frustrations and disturbing energies that I am unspokenly obligated to carry throughout my day…as I midwife these children into appreciating education and life one moment at a time…..my heart silently crying out for a midwife of my own to help me navigate through this ‘transitional posture of uncomfort’….HELP ME! …is what I scream through my smiles, hugs, advice, reprimands, instruction and periods of total disorient-ness…..HELP ME!.....HELP me find my way back to what matters most again…. my balance…my peace in holistic-body, mind, spirit living.

I didn’t know that I truly desired a natural childbirth when I first learned I was pregnant. The conception of my baby girl may not have been totally intended; however, her spirit was honored even before she came into my body. I had carefully considered what it meant to me to be a mother, and what I could offer this little being. It’s only fitting that then I would come to the conclusion that she deserved to have the opportunity to arrive in this world in her own time, on our own terms.

For these last nearly five and a half months, I have been seeing a doctor here in Milwaukee that I have not totally been at peace with. As a massage therapist/healer myself, working with energies and being constantly aware of a person’s aura has made me very sensitive for a lifetime in evaluating each encounter I may have with whomever I cross paths with. I suppose not having a lot of family or resources here also brought a sense of naivety and guilt with just accepting the first doctor I came across…no matter how inviting, small and home-like the office may have felt. Beyond the fear of hospitals and strangers freely sticking their fingers in me…detached from my journey-solely because I’m just a number….in the system…and they’ve seen ‘this’ thousands of times…..My womb…my intuition…my sweetpea was unctioning me all along….find a midwife.

“The process of human childbirth is a normal physiological process perfectly designed by nature to bring babies into the world. It is an instinctive, primal experience that has its own rhythm and pace which should be respected and honored, and works best when interfered with as little as possible. Women should have as much control as possible in determining their care, and should be encouraged to be active participants in decision-making and self-care. When informed, supported and encouraged to follow their own instincts, women can be active givers of birth rather than passive receivers of birth technology.”

I read these words on the website of an experienced, licensed and trained midwife here in the Milwaukee area….and I knew then, this is the journey I was destined to take. After a two-hour phone consultation with this midwife angel, I quickley learned that my uncomfort and suspicions of my doctor had been true. She knew him very well...and all she said was, "your intuition warrants a change in caregivers indeed". Along with the encouraging philosophy of this midwife, there was a wealth of knowledge and literature to glean from this woman….and for these reasons, I choose to have a midwife for the birth of my first child:

Holistic Midwives:
• Act as guardians of natural childbirth and well women, care-providing birthing women with support and guidance to ensure a healthy pregnancy, labor and delivery with minimal intervention.
• Understand that pregnancy and birth are normal processes, and work to optimize the well-being of mothers and their babies as the foundation of care giving.
• Approach the experience of childbirth as far more than a physical event, perceiving it as a profound emotional, mental and spiritual Rite of Passage for both mother and child.
• Respect the dignity, integrity and response-ability of the women they serve, recognizing that the primary caretaker and most important determinant of a healthy pregnancy and positive birth experience is the woman herself.
• Work in partnership with mothers, their families and their communities, helping them to explore their options and make informed decisions based on their unique circumstance.

I know that this experience won't just be life-altering for me…but a testament of a miracle for those closest to me, who will be there with me as my ‘sweetpea’ makes her debut into this world. The simple fact, alone, that I was told-while married to my ex-husband, that I wouldn’t be able to have children without a medical miracle…..too much scarring, polycystic ovarian syndrome damage, uterine fibroids growing, etc…etc…Yet….in the event of a ‘Divine Miracle’…all that is needed is an open heart saturated with love and hope and greatness beyond human understanding. This is the mindset for life that I’m used to having.

The Universe wants the best for us, and is willing to bestow these gifts(of strength and empowerment) upon us if we are willing and able to accept them. I look forward to this miracle journey….and finding my way back to creativity and undying passion…away from the enslaving educational system and mundane classroom instruction that I have settled for right now. In the same measure of strength that I was able to position myself into an anxiety free-butterfly pregnancy and birthing experience….I have to do the same for myself in regards to my career/calling. For this journey…I will be more than honored to leave this legacy of strength to my ‘sweetpea’.

"For [Kira]...a Colored Girl...who once considered suicide..."

2010-11-21T08:43:00.000-08:00

Friday night I went to see 'For Colored Girls...' and as I expected, it was mind-blowing, gruesomely honest, unadulterated truth...about women....about me.

The film brings together a multi-generational line up of black actresses: Kerry Washington, Thandie Newton, Phylicia Rashad, Kimberly Elise, Macy Gray, Whoopi Goldberg, Janet Jackson, Loretta Divine, Anika Noni Rose, and newcomer Tessa Thompson. These women tell the stories from Ntozake Shange’s choreopoem For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf.

The stories of these women are centered around tragedy and struggle that in some capacity has been brought about by men. He is definitely not the hero in this film but in most instances a maniacal brute. Thandie Newton remarks, “I think very often men and women are spoken about in opposition which this film seems to be provoking. However, I think the strength of the film is that it’s a testament to the extraordinary collaboration of when a woman and a man come together.”

The true stories of a black woman’s experience is seldom told in Hollywood. Her humanity is limited to being the sum of her parts instead of a whole person. We see this in music videos and films. However, Black women have always been the muse for Perry’s work and he genuinely wants to portray her life differently and truthfully. He also worked very hard to keep the voices authentic. To that, Shange says, “[Perry] got it about 75% correct.”

"...all women in the world are colored girls because the color that Ntozake Shange is referring to has not to do with one’s skin. It has to do with mood, heart, spirit, experience, emotion, expression, understanding, or lack thereof." ~Phylicia Rashad

So, after I read all the reviews, critical and praises for this film..I chose to take a different approach in my interpretation of what this film spoke to me. Beyond the unrealistic criticism from men feeling that Tyler Perry is male bashing....or literary circles and other hollywood critics professing their redundant disappointment in the presentation and screenwriting of this film....Here is what I see:

There are moments in life when the Divine allows things to become visible to the human experience and not hidden[anymore] in our personal space or spirits. When this happens, it is an opportunity for communal healing and empowerment...not a spotlight for a personal soapbox of offended, guilty and one dimensional mindsets critically putting others down who have been Divinely inspired[called] to be an agent for healing.

There is an ongoing problem in the [black] community and it needs to be addressed. Instead men(and women) looking at it so negatively, have you ever thought about it as a message that the [black] community needs to stand united for some type of future even to come? Now, here is something to be critical of....if a man can only learn how to be a man from other men, then why is each generation of black men getting worse instead of better? Hmmmmmm? Stop trying to be in denial all the damn time and own up to your own lacks and your shoulda, woulda, coulda's. Once you look into yourself and own up to the things that you have done to women... and how you might’ve made a women feel all because of that ONE woman that you felt wronged you in your life (whether that was your own mama or ex), then there can be steps taken toward healing the gap of resentment towards each other.

It is a film, a picture like all others that tells a story of hardship of some black women. The fact of the matter is that we do have men who treat black woman badly, just as we have men who treat black women like queens. Abuse is alive and well in all races and instead of getting insulted or being judgemental, realize this is a movie about a problem that happens to all women. Use this and focus on how we can stop the abuse(mental,physical, emotional). Tyler Perry is a great director, writer, playwright, and actor. He should be commended for his work and left alone on his subjects. He is not the first person to do a film like this and will not be the last. He is not saying that all black men are bad (but the response from black men speaks for itself)but he is putting focus on a on going problem in America. Look at it for what it is and not for what you feel inside....out of offenses lie a root of truth, otherwise, there would be no need to be offended.

This film has been a hostile awakening for women(ME) to take ownership/accountability for their OWN decisions and choices in regards to who they choose to 'let it' their minds, bodies and spirits.....and in that regard...I saw myself in every woman portrayed in this film. I am a BROWN woman...who has worn every color in the rainbow, the RED, ORANGE, YELLOW, GREEN, BLUE, PURPLE and even WHITE! I have exposed myself to 'at-risk behaviors, been in denial about who I choose to love and desperate for who I wanted to love me, blind to myself beyond my passion for empowerment for others, living day to day as 'intimacy' being my only desired 'manna'(from God)...feeling wise and simultaneously helpless in the same moment, and of course, dillusionally religious, lacking any authentic spiritual liberty...living in fear of the God in me....ignoring my womb...a stranger to myself. I saw MYSELF. and this movie has begun an awakening in me...confirming the 'new life' that is growing inside of me as I sit here and type....

progress happens with self-inventory...the answer to all of us who are fearful, critical and in denial....quick to assume, easily influenced and contageously judgemental..Embrace your own healing first.

The Love that didn't reach.....

2010-10-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

How do you love someone that doesn't love you?...

Mute

Life still goes on

spinning out of control
moving around me
like wind in my ears,
blurry and cold.

In the darkness of the night
your hand touches my shoulders
loneliness is nothing new to me....

Truth is, before you-there was me
loving me...
or at least pretending...

Pretending that,
In my dreams i hear your voice
as sweet as an angel sings
your laugh, your smirks and your sweet talk
is as though you are by my side
as you said you would be...
promises that you made...
turn into to stagnant dreams that you take....
away...
your words, not mine, "I'll be there for you..."
and then the void seeps in...

I played my whole hand for it all...
risking safety for inconsistent affection, silence and empty stares-
makes me wonder if you really cared...at all?

I reach out for you
in a room full of darkness
hoping that I stumble upon your hand, your eyes, your heart...again.
Nevertheless, I guess my arms weren't long enough....
either the distance between you and I is purposed...with time,
or my Love will never reach...you.

Love is Fearless...

2010-07-11T17:03:00.000-07:00

I am waiting for the day
you bless me
with your impeccable, unbelievable
Godly ways...
loving me like unconditional love itself
is an understatement
you, touch me,
in ways indescribable,
you penetrate me in voids
that were once impenetrable-
I honor you, King,
for only a God like yours and mine
could have fashioned this Queen solely for your throne.

We are...tailor made for one another-
our journey's blueprint laid out for each other,
there is none other that can master a soul tie like ours
Divinely Created
Intimately sedated with elation-
more potent that #9's love potion,
I am that drug
and you are my addiction.

So King me and move me like pawns
against our canvas of life,
intertwined in your head full of tree parts
you got me feelin like swingin from your mane....
my Tarzan, and I am your Jane....
let's escape to the nearest shore
and lay under the moonlight,
where black skin glistens like Divine Light-
be my knight, be my Armour...

Be my second skin
and let me peel the scent of you
with each thrust, for eternities-
each time I breathe,
be my exhale...
as I inhale....you...
be my love,
Fearless.

Relationships

2010-04-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

Can a man and a woman be friends?

That depends

On what type of man this boy will claim to be

What type of woman this girl will become if She comes to He

The boy and the girl may flirt originally

May hug generously

May kiss occasionally

But inside lies a complexity

He vexes She

Girl scribbles in Her diary

Boy lies awake with thoughts of intimacy

He becomes She's fantasy

Maybe this will end romantically

But that's too predictable

Though love is unreasonable

Its amazing

It goes beyond heartthrob gazing

It lives in frat boy hazing

Sunday night lazing

And bad child raising

She will always love He

He will always need She

Through bad break ups and crushes

Red-cheek blushes

And alcohol rushes

They can be friends always

This relationship stays

No worries about bad lays

And who pays

Or ending a fling and trying to part ways

Friendship is no phase

Maybe boy and girls are better allies

To chat over coke and fries

Whisper lies

About the opposite sex

Be corrected on the subtext

Laugh about whatever comes next

This ain't a romantic comedy

They won't make out to a melody

Or commit a felony

To show they're in love

He wont be at She's door with twelve roses

She won't cry when He proposes

They'll just sit in that café

And dream of Santé Fe

Eat popcorn during "Amelie"

And never run out of things to say

And eventually

They learn that this transcends all physicality

And in reality

Boy and girl fit perfectly

Poetically

He chose She

And

She chose He

End of story.

A Handfull of Love Jones...

2010-04-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

You're a liar...
face it....don't justify it
sugar coat it...
politicize it...
just name it for what it is...
you decieve by trickery
fraud
you act dishonestly
violate deliberately...as in a game
swindle
create illusions
escape reality
you tyrant
fool, sorcerer of trickery...you overreach
hoodwink, bamboozle...

Though I realize
that asking you to do the opposite
will be contrary to who you really are...
your soul's identity, your stamp of false integrity
this is who you are, don't dare step out of your element
your character; whether fashioned by society, family tradition or pure ignorance...
I respect you for being you.
Superficial
Shallow....
frightingly....conciously...in love.

To get beyond shallowness we have to stop avoiding our pain, stop blaming others for our pain and stop looking to others to find joy. When you love you become very vulnerable, but as much as you become vulnerable to pain and loss, you also become sensitized to experience a depth of feeling you would never have experienced otherwise. It is far better to have loved and lost than not have loved. I will never regret the love I did experience because of subsequent pain through loss. For me it is a risk worth taking and the pain just deepens my ability to love. If you expect to find love in purely superficial characteristics and physical qualities you will most certainly experience extreme disappointment and heartbreak. If after heartbreak, you do not become bitter you will open yourself for the real thing.

wait for it......wait for it.....it is possible....it is real. Just step outside the smoke screen.

“Emotion is the chief source of all becoming conscious. There can be no transformation of darkness into light ...without emotion.” Carl Jung

Quiet Contemplation...

2010-04-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

Harsh Repitition....until lession learned.

I'm not looking for a fling.
If the various stages of my life have taught me one thing the valuable lesson of approaching

the possibility of love with extreme caution.
I love hard and unconditionally.
Most times never returned to me

Thoughts of all the times i put heart on the line,
my heart broken by Mr Right. and that other **** , Mr damn hes so fine

I made a dubious and perhaps even foolish decision to give love another chance. Could he
Really be down for the mammoth responsibility of loving me?

I decided to keep my feelings internal. For now, the physical would have to sustain me.
I enjoyed his company
too much to allow this moment to be ruined by history
looking for something more.
His strength, his gentleness, his wisdom got him in the door

His ability to sense my needs and desires made me give him A chance
A possible prospect for romance.

Maybe it was the way he just turned me out that had me thinking way too far ahead.
Candelite caressing mocha-brownskin casually nestled on bed.

Confused My body still tingled from the extraordinay love we just made.
I was dizzy from the electricty that still ran through my veins.

His ability to please me was spectacular.
I prayed his sweet talk wasnt a hustlers venacular

I'm not going to get into details,
because i dont want spectators trying him out for them
selves. (or comparing tales...)
Can't worry about all that now, Just going to migrate below these covers
caught by surprise friends turn into lovers

its my time to return some of the breath taking pleasure.
Worst case scenario its my 'mango' he'll treasure.

Step up, Cover and Celebrate me...and get off my tit!

2010-04-11T13:07:00.000-07:00

"I'm not saying us Women are perfect,
but we carry the load and carry it well,
some of yall men really need to get it together-
Expend much time/effort and thought on male empowerment
and then just maybe yall males wouldnt feel the need
to criticize what females don't do!
have you takn the time to look at the stuff you're doing?
if you wanna lead me anywer,
you must be capable of effectively and efficiently following/serving,
prove to me that my independence is optional,
I will coexist with you,
but look in the mirror first
and handle your refelction of issues
before you attempt to diagnose mine!
we've taken the fall for men too long(historically proven!...)
now its time yall step it up and get off that tit!
Focus on what you're doing and let us be the emotional beings...." (Shout out to Natalie on this one!)

So easy to point the finger...real men are accountable for themselves,
emotionally and physically. How about we each concentrate on ourselves
and highlight more good qualities about each other-
men and women.
Women can we celebrate men?
Men can we celebrate women?

..and stop complaining so damn much!, If he or she aint got/doin/ possesing/speaking/listening/sharing/manifesting/claiming/exemplifying/carrying
livin/empowering what you want....

move the hell on!

There are too many wonderful/powerful/successful/beuatiful/intelligent/charming/productive/executive-minded/spiritually and physical sound and whole-minded gentlemen and ladies in this earthly realm....to be complaining and venting about what one trifling fool didnt do or did to you!

If she or he aint it, right now....then WAIT!....balance and perfection (for you) will come! Stop setttling and rushing. Live this Life...Serve somebody....Treat yourself right!...manifest something...be productive and stop' talking' so damn much!.....

with much compassion in my heart,

Love&Light Beautiful!

He Feels Like.....

2010-03-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

He Feels like the wind in my face
while my head is hanging out the window
courageously trying to inhale all of him-
forceful, yet teasingly and excitingly
taking my breath away....
He feels like that...
Like I inhale and he finishes my breath
exhaling...
He feels just that good,
like my 2nd skin,
I could caress and bathe in his sent
and lather up his passion in my towel,
then sqeeze him all over me again...
Yes,
he feels like that...
like worship in its purest form...
like a good key striked on the perfect note
organ grinds, tune held in place
until the pews climax with shreeks of joy
in the form of tears,
hands raised,
arms stretched out wide-wating to be rescued-
as if the Divine-self would come down
to craddle every soulish hurt away-
liberating,
peaceful, enticing....
he feels like that...
yes,
He feels that good!

Soul Talk....Desperate.

2010-03-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

You ever have one of those days where your womb is crying out...and you can't pin point one particular ailment...but its some of everything...life, goals, relationships...love.....and you soul just needs to wail.....this is one of those days...as my pen narrates....

I cried...I cried because he spoke truth; and it pierced the most intimate places I didn't know- where sensitivity and uncomfort lies, where guilt penetrates offense and birth broken,sorrowful tears of utter confusion; yet truth. It is truth.

He said, "You know what the problem is?, 'artsy' people never complete anything-so spread out and over extended- they find pleasure in the right stroke, the perfect verse, or the tight..just right beat, the line in the dance....However, their curiosity and thirst for exploring more passions keeps them from ever producing!"
Producing. Non productive. So many gifts and nothing of substance to show for it....is this the truth?...my truth? Is this what hurts? Stagnation and the cycle of miscarriage in my life, my relationships, my goals, my dreams and passions. Where is the beauty? Where is the peace? Where am I?

Desperation. Chasing after you. I need you. more and more. Where do I go? Who do I run to? sharing this empty space, feels like I lost the grip of life- so it seems...friends out of touch-backing away, completely from the scene-who is to play the part for the next act..the next chapter of my life? never been in a position/posture like this- feeling as though I have to chase after companionship, plead my worth of company-bargain my assets-gifts, for talentless conversations-to no elation-alone. I sit. tired. Drained. stuck. out of options. fighting the temptation of depression-can't go back there-darkness is not an option! and then there's Him....I miss it. the covenant.the promise of safety-though short lived. I need it now. consistency speak to me. Productivity Prophesy to me...say to the giants of despair...and the mountains of stagnation...be moved! let me breath!..let me see!...let me rise...let me be. let me be.

I inhale dreams birthing visions unclear, laced on my face sketches of pillow wishes becoming as one with you-Desperate for magical nights- love glistinin between shy highs-within the deep walls of my thighs...behold my affection is your delight.

My soul is desperate.

My Newest Baby!!! Buttafly Movement Fitted Tees for Women

2010-03-12T12:27:00.000-08:00

And the blessings keep coming!!!....ButtaflyMovement Tees, my newest addition to this empowering journey....Custom Designed Tees for women, sizes Sm to 2xl, personalized buttafly color and word/wisdom on back, Check out the album or visit the marketplace online.Spread the word! Support!.....Operation Overflow 2010! You in?!

My recent transition to Mississippi has been an eventful journey, eye opener...to say the least. My mind/body/spirit has been taking its time aligning itself with the energy in this region; thus, I've been 'sick' or in a dis-ease since I arrived here in Jackson. Nevertheless, I woke up one morning, this week, with a fever and a burning lump-feeling like strep throat...and I said, " Divine Creativity doesn't take a day off! and neither does making money...I'm gonna design a tee-shirt for women." So, the next few days I got in touch with my graphic designer-who is never available!- but this still worked to my advantage...because growing impatient while waiting for him to return my call taught me a valuable lesson: Don't wait for someone else to do what God has already equipped you with the creativity to do!

...and therein lies this finished product!...Simple, Empowering....and all MY vision! I love it! and I would love to spread this message to women across the states...that every woman has a 'Buttafly Movement'...a movement of liberation and self empowerment waiting to be manifested through her will power and creativity!

I thank the Divine for the spirit of Creativity and Desire.....without these two virtues, coupled with Love...I would be a Lost Soul!

Don't take for granted your dreams and visions...goals and aspirations....it only takes one thought, and a simple action put behind it, and before you know it...it will have came into fruition over night! So I say to you 'O Creative One'...BelieveBelieveBelieveBelieveBelieveBelieve!.....Speak! Do! Don't Wait!, and watch God bring it to pass!

Ase',

Love&Light my Beautiful ButtaFlys!

Sensuous

2010-02-14T21:09:00.000-08:00

You speak the flow of a rythmic sound,
that utters like an orgasm in my mind,
like bodies and souls intertwine and connect,
this feeling goes beyond the human touch-
your LIGHT caresses.

I imagine cool liquid rolling down...
sweet pulsating gestures..
powerful...strong...
you're my secret place,
Sensuous.

In my eyes,
your touch goes beyond mere imagination,
sometime I can't even concieve where you came from,
why in this season?...why me?
Even with unanswered questions,
I'm feeling who you are,
pounding in my heart like a bundle of raindrops
penetrating the mountain's crown,
and when you're around,
very little matters outside of our flow...
like rythmic sound...
I release orgasms with thoughts of you...
So Sensuous.

The Rescue

2010-02-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

It's kinda like
the first time I tasted...
and the first time I breathed...
and the first time I did anything for...
the first time,
you gave me a feeling of completion
for the last time
because this time,
Iknow it had nothing to do with what I said,
what I did, how I walked,
or how good my jeans kissed my flesh,
but it was just the look in your eyes,
when they met mine-
kinda like when dark liquor lingers
around the inside of clear skies,
and whispers sweet aromas
of strong agression,
the kind that burns the inside of your chest
when your body is overly excited...
but I'm delighted
to know that you'll wrap around me
and envelope my cognac for minutes
that seems like days...turning into weeks..
my soul cries out, "Dont leave me!",
I've just gotten used to the character of your smile.
I feel if like God fashioned us
in the likeness of the Divine,
then nothing else comes closer to perfection than you and I.
God's grace wrapped in flesh, you are...to me.
you ask what's love got to do with us?...
anything it wants to as long as you exist within me.
I take one breath and I await your exhale,
so I can inhale every secret your soul has to tell,
and any imperfection your soul must bare.
I can't change the past,
but presently I yearn to revolutionize your future,
with the power of doctrines from the Divine creativeness,
who knows me best...who prepared me for you...who gave you to me.
This feels like the first time
I unwrapped a gift,
pulling away at the ribbons of my agony,
untying my pain and fears....to suddenly
find you!.....standing there....before my eyes...
with arms open wide. You rescue me.

God, I love this woman!!

2010-01-30T19:34:00.000-08:00

Sunni P is back with baby in arms...I love it! She is a mouthpiece for the ancestors!...awesome!

Two of My Favorite...[Excerpts from my book, "Empowering Sensuality"

2010-01-17T09:23:00.000-08:00

You...

I like your way
Your moving slips into my stillness
It silenced me.

The way night lies in deep water
I want to lie with you.

Can you be my second skin?
I’ll peel the scent of you with each thrust.

You make me feel like singing in the shower…No fear.

Touch Me…

Hands like a magnetic force
The way fingertips
Direct my spine to arch
That simple touch
As my body breaks itself down
To my heart’s own musical backbeat
With permission
You release tears of joy-perpetrating as sweat
Creating surfaces glistening wet
Feels like we have our very own air
Caught in the rapture of you pulling my hair
and never mind time
You got me feeling like
This poem doesn’t even have to rhyme
‘Cause I can’t remember
if it was my right or my left…
that you teased and caressed?
I see Angels when you spread my legs
They turn into wings
‘cause I could fly away
on you being the air I breathe
I feel low, slow pants
When you take me there
Yet, I tell you to slow down
It’s too much…
I can’t catch up with my heart’s beat,
My eyes can’t control
what my mind don’t believe.
They say repetition sings a contagious beat,
Somethin’ like a routine or it seems
I could get used to this feeling,
Like when you watch me
from the passenger seat, or
when you’re sitting right next to me,
kissing my right or my left….
Hands like a magnetic force
The way fingertips
Direct my body to arch
At my heart’s own musical backbeat…
You s l o w l y……touch me.

Connected....

2010-01-16T21:46:00.000-08:00

" I wont choose to live as if I were to follow a lead. And I will only give to one who is deserving of me. Connected to all matter like oxygen atoms sun water breath you in so you can show me what you made of."

-Zaki Ibrahim Connected

Womb Healing

2010-01-09T13:20:00.000-08:00

I have been in transition since my ex and I decided to separate and divorce. Immediately afterward, My first love [whom I havent seen or spoken to in seven years] finds me on facebook and the energy is stronger than before!...To make a long story short, its been a year now, since the divorce and reuniting with my first love....and I have had some serious 'baby blues' for over a year...my soul cries out in my dreams...I feel my womb aligning everyday in preparation and I just can't shake the urge to want to have a baby.

Im not sure whether to stay with my new 9to5 job or to answer the unctions of my womb and move back home to rest!...But I do appreciate this blog(http://www.healingblackwomanhood.blogspot.com) and the insight to womb healing....

So, I wanted to share parts of my journey to womb healing(from divorce, guilt, pain, anger, abuse[physical, food, alcohol, etc]), and I began this month with this meditation.... Will you pray with me?

Womb Healing

the chalice returns
to its original nature
clear and blessed
internal pain cleared
external pollution
flushed away
harmony restored

Tantric invocation of the Goddess abiding in the first chakra:

Within in reigns Paraa, the Awakener of eternal knowledge
She is the omnipotent Kalaa who is wonderfully skillful
to create, and is subtler than the subtlest.
She is the receptacle of the continuous stream of ambrosia
which flows from the eternal bliss.
By her radiance it is that the whole of this universe
and this cauldron is illumined.

--Mahanirvana Tantra

Womb Healing focuses on the second chakra,
described as a six-petalled lotus in which
a half moon rests like the autumnal moon:

It is here that Rakini always shines.
Her radiant beauty equals the center of the blue lotus.
The beauty of her body is enhanced by
her uplifted arms holding various weapons.
She is dressed in celestial raiment and ornaments,
and her mind is exalted with the drinking of ambrosia.

And the fourth chakra, called Anahata, the Unstruck Sound,
where the blissful form of Goddess manifests
"and is experienced by the inward-turned mind of the blessed ones,
whose hair stands on end and whose eyes weep for joy."

The Shakti whose tender body is like
ten million flashes of lightning
is in the center of this lotus as a triangle.
(Inside the triangle is the Yoni (origin/ vulva)
like shining gold and on it an orifice
as tiny as that in a gem -- the Bindu --
the resplendent abode of Lakshmi.
This heart lotus is beautified by the Hamsa,
which is like the steady tapering flame
of a lamp in a windless place.

Sometime you just gotta love on Him!

2010-01-01T13:22:00.000-08:00

I wrote this for Him...

I will keep you hidden no more-
like stained secrets and letters from old lovers
you are in me-
your name written across my chest
with an umbilical cord trust~
I pray to forever have your eyes
as I backwash forgiveness on my tongue
for years of lying in bed without you by my side...
I love you seems to be an understatement though
I know you over-stand where my heart lies..and
my thoughts cry....from the depth of my womb...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......your name reigns forever
and creates vibrations of elated ecstasy forever ringing
between my thighs, I long for the day you write poetry
inside my walls...eternally....we rhyme, each verse...imagery
becomes more vivid than the last line and better than the last time...
we exist...as one!.

(whew!.....that shit almost took me in for real...)

Trust that you have a place in the world that welcomes your gifts of awareness and altruistic vision. Your imagination needs a creative outlet for you to do your best at work. Your career will bring about transformation, as you realize it's all about manifesting universal principles of truth.

You should continue to surround yourself with friends that give you the space and support you need to do your work, and trust that with them being connected to you, they're prepared to make the necessary shifts for change in their lives as well. You may need to push beyond your own boundaries, and identify with the universal source.

Your personal confidence and brilliance shines bright baby..... You are tremendously motivated as people applaud your inspirational ideas. You are ready to manifest the highest potential for your love and children in the future. The high energy you're working with will result in material prosperity, which helps you continue to make forward shifts in your own life, as well as bring hope to your life...your family and your community of like spirits God has surrounded you with. As you continue to be connected inwardly and outwardly, you truly make an impression on those around you

Especially me!...I love you King and I pray nothing less than the best for you....US....and all connected to your heart in this new year! Happy New Beginning Baby!

Waiting.

2010-01-01T13:16:00.001-08:00

waiting.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.
When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.
There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant.
Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.
You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

- Bob Marley

The Year....Reflection...

2009-12-31T12:09:00.001-08:00

The year of recuperation.. digesting and multi tasking the faults of myself and others..
I have won.. but have I with the amount of stuff just to erase a small fact.. that I am the cause of such happenings..one says if u no better than u do better but better has to be learned first...there's a thirst ..c ...to be illuminated from this game we call LIFE..

The year my weary body may seem strong on the outside..my perky wonderfulness and the fullness of my hips... dance like tempting shadows.. on paved walls.. but inside there is a stall... filled with names..numbers.places and things..talking walls..dirty water..with tissue on the floor..people have come and gone..sometimes felt used and then if that loved at all.

The year these eyes seen some great..unique pieces of work.. have the eyes deceived me to no end.. have my heart been mended back together..glue or tape..and to fall apart again.. what is true.. what is this that we all search for.. can we understand it if it was right in front of our faces or are we so numb..no sense of anything without a big sign.. some glitter.. some noise..some illusion.. some twinkle..some score..

The year I meet the spirits through the same gate..walked with them..talked to them..moved..danced..sang..wrote with them..nice to know we r not alone in this unbalanced reality..we run to one side..stay take it all in to get bored and move to the other side.. it becomes an extreme..never taught to stay in the middle..wondering why the cards lay where they must..emotional foolishness with no full inner standing of where to place the energy.. the cycle continues

The year we attempted to clean out our....what u call its..in the name of starting over.. but not knowing where to begin.. what is the root of the problem.. lie to ourselves...live in complete denial..but is it denial if its not known that something is wrong..or is it us that project the wrong doings of others because of our wrong doings...taming beast of what..first to find out it was not the other persons doing the bidding for our internal demise..let it be we say..then we die.. to come back and start all over again..and again...again..til bliss has its hands on us..confusion..inner turmoil ..inner desire to be free..of what..or is that an illusion too..?

or is it just this year..? maybe next yr we will have an answer to that which lies within.

The Encounter(The Awakener)

2009-12-17T10:47:00.001-08:00

She spoke of my secrets, bold, stories yet to be told…

She spoke of my disposition and the consequences of giving up on life

She spoke of my fears…she spoke of my strengths….she spoke of me.

And the encounter was as real and as captivating and as consuming

As life in this present moment. She confirmed my aspirations….she…

Encouraged, admonished, appealed and empowered…

She wept with me….held me in her feminine bosom of power and told me to let go.

Allow life to take its course…allow God, the universe and the divine feminine energy

To spoil me. Because, ultimately, I deserve it. She saw my baby. A girl….she’s coming.

She saw my career, my passions, my gifts…she saw who I really was…and she said ,

“This woman sitting before me is not who you really are, your light is dim, your fuel is low….but this isn’t who you are, you have to come out of this, you’re gonna come out of this…. There is so much more to life within this season, choose to live, fight for your happiness, make yourself available for the unexpected ‘wowfactor’….you’re gonna make it! God will not let you drown! There is wealth, there is happiness, there is life in abundance on the other side of this…”

She stated that by the third month of next year, things will be in their perspective place in my life…..she spoke of my family. I need to go home. Not to stay. But I need to feel my family and I need them to feel me. I need to feel me…I need to feel what the real Kira feels like again….because this woman and this season has ran its course…..

She saw him, she said he’ll love me…he’ll adore me….better yet, he’ll know how to handle me…lol (Lord knows I need to be handled…)but there will be no fear or insecurity, there will be no intimidation….only support….solely love…and a ‘love that reflects how God loves me’. That statement in itself is a lot….whew! (Selah…..praise and meditation)

I have realized that I have got to do a better job reaching out to the people God has ordained to surround me in my life right now. My friends and my family….are there!...they are there…waiting for me to let them in… “just let them in Kira…and let yourself out. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Embrace this Encounter.”

My Favorite drink, and 25 reason’s it could possibly become yours.

2009-12-07T16:48:00.000-08:00

: Levive

: Noni

: Goji

: Acaiberry

: Mangosteen

: Pomegrante

Talk about delicious!!But it also does wonders for your health. I mean wonders, literally. Its from Ardyss International, its called Levive and I LOVE it, primarily because it has the power of the worlds top 5 antioxidant producing fruits, and their all concentrated into one drink. Antioxidants do a number of things for the body including chase free radicals and balance overall health.Now, yall know how much pomegranates cost at your local market, let alone the goji, mangoberry, acai and noni. This technology puts money in the bank. But here are 25 other reasons researchers have found that levive lives up to its name. Go ahead be informed.

25 Reasons. …..Drink Le’vive

1. Enhance sex drive

2.Keep hair and skin healthy
3.Improve vision
4.Increase energy levels
5.Fight Funguses, virus and bacteria
6.Feel and look younger
7.Improve fertility
8.Improve digestion.
9.Fight harmful free radicals
10.Lose weight
11.Sleep Better
12.Improve memory
13.Helps PREVENT cancer
14. Control BLOOD SUGAR
15. Protect kids health
16.Maintain a HEALTHY blood pressure
17.Prevent Gastritis reflex and ulcers
18.Maintain a normal cholesterol level
19.Possibly prevent diseases like Alzheimers and Parkinsons
20.Control Inflammation and Arthritis
21.Prevent Tumors.
22.Keep Joints flexible and healthy.
23.Decrease respitory Conditions.
24.Keep Liver Healthy
25.Maintain general health

For more info check out

WWW.ARDYSSLIFE.COM/kirabuckley

Ready for a Makeover? A Healthier, Sexier You!

2009-12-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

Check this out..

Go Shopping... www.ardysslife.com/kirabuckley

Also from Ardyss:

Some of you like to drink coffee, and for many people its a morning must have. Well I want to introduce you to a morning coffee that makes life abundantly more exciting, Get younger with this delicious coffee… Coffee and Collagen. Now you're beauty regimen is a method of ingestion and can truly be called skin deep.

Naturally great tasting, Ardyss Collaffee is an exclusive mix of collagen, vitamin C, iron, calcium and coffee that revitalizes your skin and prevents the natural aging process. It also softens your lines of expression and improves your body joints. For NUTRITIONAL FACTS please visit:

www.ardysslife.com/kirabuckley

Unknown Reality

2009-11-18T16:58:00.000-08:00

There are times

when looking into your eyes

I start to cry

cuz its a dream,

its all a dream,

that you are here

loving me

the way you are loving me,

cuz things like this

just don’t happen to me

and most days I feel unworthy

but here you are

and here I am

and this is real...isn’t it?

See, I’ve been thru these motions before

and I swore..

I would never open that door...again

but here you are..

and here I am..

loving..

almost fearful of..

how this could end

cuz I don’t want it to end

U introduced me..

to me..

loving all parts of me

whole-ly….

the ins and outs

the ups and downs

u.. stayed here

by my side.

U befriended me

comforted me

in my midnight hour

you..

Its funny cuz

right when I was saying

I’m done.

I’m taking a break..

I’m not looking anymore..

you appeared in my door

moving me mentally,

challenging me spiritually,

and loving me completely,

but it all feels like a dream

it does..

I go to sleep

and I pray that you stay

I pray that you are real

I pray you are true.

And when I wake up..

I thank God that it is you..

and that this is real

and that you are my reality

although .....

this feels just like a dream.

Lessons of Life's Recession....

2009-10-28T16:12:00.001-07:00

Everybody knows that we are in one of the worst recessions since the 1980s, with 8% of Americans out of work, and 13% of African Americans without jobs. Not to mention those of us who are losing homes, businesses, having hours cut at work, or just having to stretch our funds even further than usual. It seems like every time you turn on the tv, it's more bad news. But through it all, even though times are very tough, I think some profound life lessons are being learned. Unfortunately, that aspect isn't being given as much attention in the media as statistics, finance-related suicides, etc.
Recently Iyanla Vanzant spoke at this year's annual State of the Black Union (I wish I could find a youtube clip of this, but there isn't one) and spoke some very powerful words about her own experience. In a talk about finance, she bravely told the audience that she herself had recently lost her home to foreclosure. She went on to say that although the experience was painful, it lead her to take a look at her life, and see areas "where I was wobbly and wishy-washy, and needed more strength". She also said that this experience made her much more appreciative of all that she did have. She focused on being thankful for her beautiful grandchildren, a healthy body and mind.
Her words really got me thinking about what lessons I've learned from these times. For me personally, I've always done everything fast. I was all for instant gratification, whether it was a job, a painting, or a move I was making. Everything was now. And if things didn't happen fast enough, I was on to the next thing. Abundance of resources and opportunities made this possible. It also meant I was able to take a lot of opportunities for granted and not see anything through to the end. So the lesson I was forced to learn was to SLOW DOWN. Everything that used to open up for me rapidly now moves at a snail's pace. I had to learn to let go and breathe, and be still and grounded within myself and wait for things to unfold. And within that time and space, I've begun to appreciate all I've overlooked. I've begun to put more time and effort into what I do. And when I'm frustrated and things just will not move, I've learned to appreciate all the little things that will: Brand new spring blossoms, baby calves learning to stand, turtles sunning themselves on a rock down in the creek. I'm beginning to connect more with what's real and true on this earth.

What I have learned is...
1. That my health is my wealth.
2. Living simple is not just about de-cluttering the home, but also the mind first.
3. It is time to be super resourceful and creative in how money is made.
4. It is testing my confidence as I have found out that I am attached to material concepts/ideas that have been driving me, but which are also harmful to who I am. I need to completely unattached to material in order to re-evaluate and move forward.
5. My family are a huge support, I appreciate that SO much now.
6. More than ever, I need to break out of any limitations that I have placed on my Self. Think BIGger!

So what I'd like to know from all of you is, have these tough economic times taught you any life lessons? Revealed a strength? Changed the way you look at things?

Self Stimulation...

2009-10-27T15:34:00.001-07:00

FOR U... I WILL DO
WHAT IS NEEDED TO PROCEED WHT A LIFE OF
ETERNAL BLISS
IN LOVES FORTRESS
BECAUSE I DO.... REALLY MISS U AND
SOMEDAY WISH TO KISS U
I HAVE BEEN
REJUVENATED
ELATED
STIMULATED
BY HOW WE'VE RECREATED
THE TERM FORMULATED
TO VERBALIZE
THE LOOK IN MY EYES
IT EXPRESSES
MY THOUGHT PROCESSES
NOW HOW IS IT THAT?
WITH THIS STATE OF VULNERABILITY
I POSSESS NO HUMILITY
I DO NOT KNOW...
WHY IS IT SO?
LIKE MICHAEL SAID
I.NEVA.CANNNNNN.SAY.GOODBYE
EVEN WHEN THE CONVERSATION MUST DIE
IN ORDER TO BRING ORDER
TO THE REALISTIC MUNDANE
STRAIN
.....KNOWN AS LIFE
BUT

DESPITE ITS MANY COMPLEXITIES
WELP
WHTOUT IT,
WHERE WUD I BE?
POSSIBLY LEFT WHT THE INABILITY
TO FATHOM A YOU N ME
SO WHAT IS THIS??
WHAT WORD COULD EXPLAIN IT?
WHAT ARE WE???
HOW DO WE DEFINE OUR UNANIMITY??
.... I DO NOT KNOW YET...
I DONT NEED TO KNOW...
BECAUSE IT DOESNT NEED TO BE DEFINED
ONLY FELT AND EXPERIENCED

BUT.... SHIT...

I LIKE IT SO
I WONT ATTEMPT TO FIGHT IT CUZ

DAMN IT IM EXCITED!!!!!!

lol

Jump in and do it! | Mahogany Butterfly.com

2009-10-18T20:56:00.001-07:00

Jump in and do it! | Mahogany Butterfly.com

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inspired.

2009-10-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

He heals me...he knows the real me.

and he accepts me....he'll never hurt me.

He heals.

Thoughts...

2009-10-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

Some daysI could become birdsong.
Like the thing that unwinds
The morning from the night
And sings the tilt
Toward evening back again.
I could be desire
That takes shape inside breast
Pitched out in voice
Harmonious and sweet
Like syrup…
Some days,
I know how planets feel
When they know they’re about to die
The way stars ache
Before falling into themselves…
Some days,
I feel like something beautiful
Dissident almost,
Like the arc of his stance
Like movement under sheets
Invigorating like a silhouette
Against the paned glass,
Stilled in both body and thought.
Some days,
I long for some
Poetic astonishment
Of human understanding
In the line of his back.
When eyes open…
Finally,
Feels like reading aged pages
Of a thousand books;
Fairy tales and politics alike
And I believed every word.
Some days,
My wild expressions
Express something other than
Love or hate;
A morbid sense of duty, maybe
Some days,
I have a look so real
You could build it.

(Self) Love in the Fast(ing) Lane

2009-10-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

Considering a fast or cleanse to rev up your energy levels, release stored junk in your trunk, disarm your inner warrior of its angry liver complex? Consider this as well. The potency of a good cleanse is well-worth the investment, time and self love you put into it. That’s right, I said self love!

It’s the best of times and the worst of times, cleansing and fasting. It’s the best because you become extra discerning of what substances you take into your inner temple, your body, and it can be the worst of times, albeit momentarily, because the power of a true cleanse not only moves residue out of your intestines, it removes obstacles out of your life! And that means people, habits and thoughts that aren’t serving you. Fasting can be as simple as taking a day each week to enjoy only freshly prepared live juices. I recommend ones that are low in sugar and high on flavor, like spinach, green apple, celery, cucumber and lemon. Or give your body a rest from digesting by slurping up live young coconut water. Cleansing your insides is a process to systematically remove and release toxic build up out of your liver, gallbladder, intestines and other organs. Best to go well-prepared with excellent support and supplies that include fasting essentials to renew, rebuild and regenerate.

The energy, clarity, and vitality you’ll gain make this experiment a grand one. And be aware of your disposition before you start your routine.Take the time to prepare an environment for yourself that welcomes you to release, relax, and renew yourself. Talk about your desires with people who share your living space and with those in your intimate circles so that you are supported and then, prepare to flush the outdated blueprints of self and relationship down the composting toilet!

Your Health is Your Wealth!

"Butta-fly"

Excerpts from, The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav

2009-09-06T22:47:00.001-07:00

I came to understand that what motivated these men was not Earthly prizes or the respect of colleagues, but that they put their souls and minds on something and reached the extraordinary place where the mind could no longer produce data of the type that they wanted, and they were in the territory of inspiration where their intuitions accelerated and they knew that there was something more than the realm of time and space and matter, something more than physical life. They knew it. They could not necessarily articulate this clearly because they were not equipped to talk about such things, but they felt it and their writings reflected it.

In other words, I came to understand that what motivated these men, and many others, was in fact something of great vision that comes from beyond the personality. Each of us is now being drawn, in one way or another, to that same great vision. It is more than a vision. It is an emerging force. It is the next step in our evolutionary journey. Humanity, the human species, is longing now to touch that force, to shed that which interferes with clear contact. Much of the difficulty in doing this lies in the fact that the vocabulary with which to address this new force, which is indeed the eternal force, is not yet born. In this moment and in this hour of human evolution this proper vocabulary and means of addressing that which longs to transcend religiosity and spirituality and assume the position of authentic power is longing to be born. We need to give that which we as a species are now touching consciously for the first time a vocabulary that is not clouded so that it can be identified clearly in the acts and judgments of the human race, so that it can be seen clearly, and not through veils of mystery or mysticism, but simply as the authentic power that moves the force fields of this Earth of ours.

Who among us is an expert on the human experience? We have only the gift of sharing perceptions that hopefully can help those on their journey. There is no such thing as an expert on the human experience. The human experience is an experience in movement and thought and form, and, in some cases, an experiment in movement and thought and form. The most that we can do is comment on the movement, the thought and the form, but those comments are of great value if they can help people to learn to move gracefully, to think clearly, to form -- like artists -- the matter of their lives.

We are in a time of deep change. We will move through this change more easily if we are able to see the road upon which we are traveling, our destination, and what it is that is in motion. I offer what is in this book as a window through which I have come to see life. I offer this window to you, but I do not say that it is necessary that you accept it. There are so many ways to wisdom and to the heart. This is our greatest richness, and the one that gives me the most joy.

We have much to do together.

Let us do it in wisdom and love and joy.

Let us make this the human experience.

Gary Zukav

All I Want...

2009-09-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

All I want is peace of mind

someone to love me as much

as I love me.

someone to nuture, comfort and cover me

in my strengths and weaknesses.

All I want is peace of heart

someone to be gentle and

considerate with me...

someone to pursue me fervently

...to make me feel wanted, appreciated

to make me feel as though love itself

was an understatement...and since God is love-

to make me feel God.

All I want is peace of spirit

to be encouraged, to be joyous-

to expect a miracle everyday-

to rejoice with them who rejoice!

and to be present in body and spirit

with them that grieve.

All I want is peace...

to rid my insecurities

to remind myself that I am beautiful

without anticipating others to tell me...

...to find that safe place,

that place within me where I am secure,

where I have joy, where I am satisfied,

where I know I have exactly what

I want and deserve.

2009-08-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

It is not loving to stay in place where you are happy sometimes and sad most of the time. It is not loving to convince yourself that it is okay to stay in a place where you are not loved, honored and valued the way your heart tells you- you deserve to be. It is not self loving, nor is it loving others involved, to allow yourself to be mentally, emotionally or physically abused in hope that things can, or will, get better.

When you participate in actions and activities that are not loving toward you, you are helping them do things that hurt you, and that is not a loving thing to do. It is easy to convince yourself that you must stay where you are because you have no place else to go; or because you know things could be worse, or because you know things could get better.

It is easy to look away at things that eat away at your sense of self, your sense of value, your sense of well being. As easy as it may be to blame someone else, to try to ignore what you feel, to call your pain a sacrifice for love, you are not being loving or wise to do so. Eventually, you will be responsible for everything you experience and how you have responded to it.

Love does not ask us to lose ourselves, harm ourselves or sacrifice ourselves for its sake.Love offers itself to us, measure for measure, what we offer. If you are being dishonored, disrespected, physically harmed for the love you give, you must ask yourself, “ Am I really giving love, or am I Simply afraid to leave?” Allow yourself to stand in truth, honor and peace of love. Ask yourself, “ Am I receiving all that I am giving?” If not, ask yourself, “Why not…?”Keep the faith and remember, Tough times don’t last always, Tough people do:...Life is short, Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile!!!!!!!!

Priorities and Accountability...

2009-08-31T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well....where do I began! The last month or so has been very life altering and Amazingly different for me. The new networks, friendships and business ventures that I have recently embarked upon has most definitely challenged me in the areas of what things in my life are of priority and how I hold myself accountable to my actions and thoughts. With that said....It has come to my attention that our community has yet to learn the concept of Empowerment and Holistic health and wellness, and its vital necessity to be ever-present in our lives.

I was sharing my new business venture with a friend the other day...and while they were very interested and receptive in the overall concept and objectives of the business, they had a certain reservation about the financial investments that were necessary in order to be apart of the company as a consumer and/or business partner.

So, I went on to state various quotes about successful, wealthy people and how important it is to constantly invest in yourself as well as others while you are advancing in your business. Quotes like,

““Successful people are successful because they form the habits of doing those things that failures don't like to do.”…..or

“Invest three percent of your income in yourself (self-development) in order to guarantee your future.”

Then it hit me…..The Reality is: We need to learn how to invest and prioritize our finances, with accountability, for the betterment of ourselves, our hopes, dreams…and businesses!I’ve been in Atlanta, the acclaimed “Black Hollywood” long enough to realize that some of us do not understand the difference between being rich or successful and being wealthy…holistically! So, for some of my friends, family, colleagues to complain about the high financial investment needed to maintain a healthy/balanced life( nutrition, exercise, check-ups, hygiene, etc) is a complete joke to me when most of us can spend $300 on hair (not to sew in, that’s just to buy)…even as much as $1500 for a lace wig….$600-$1500 for a BAG!....shoes, nails…clothes…etc…..and you have the nerve to complain about a $20-$40 supplement?!...Come on people! Wake up!....

I’m not saying that you’re not entitled to splurge on these luxuries for yourself….what I am saying is that my job, as a health/wellness educator, distributor and massage therapist, is all the more difficult when my people( my color, my community) are the most negative and unreceptive folk when it comes to WHOLENESS, and being wealthy inside and out!Granted, society does make it hard for you to maintain a healthy lifestyle as far as food is concerned, because it costs more to eat healthy…and why spend $50 in the Whole Foods store when you can order for a family of six off the dollar menu…..point taken. However, we HAVE to be held accountable for what/ how we invest in what goes on the EXTERNAL part of our body and the INTERNAL part. You want the high paying jobs, the house with the ‘mortgage’, you want the elite titles and the VIP benefits to go with it….but what good is having those things if you won’t live long to enjoy them for yourself…or to see your children enjoy life. I assure you ladies and gentlemen…you will reap what you sow!

Now, I’m not advocating for you to be healthy so that I may recruit or sell you anything….This message is to simply inform and challenge you on TRUTH. Holistic health starts in the changing of your mind first….soul, body…and it manifests outwardly into your words, your walk, and they way you treat others. So make an investment in yourself! Make an investment in future! Make an investment into fulfilling those things that you are most passionate about in life….and the way you do that, is by Transforming your mind and unhealthy habits.

I may have struck a nerve…but I love you all the more!

Butta-fly.

My Daily Affirmation

2009-08-31T21:17:00.000-07:00

My mind, body and spirit are Strong. I take time each day to rejuvenate and recharge. I draw from a deep well of peace and calm I breathe in strength and release my fears. I go after my hearts desires. I can accomplish anything. All of my dreams are coming true. I focus on my goal and have the strength to make It Happen. I choose to be unstoppable. I am strong. I am succulantly vivavcious with beauty beyond the physical. I act in spite of my fears. I am bigger than my concerns and worries. I go for it with gusto. I can do anything I put my mind to. Each day I am getting stronger. I take great care of myself. The strength of others inspires me daily. I trust my intuition and live a courageous life.What's your affirmation? ....

Wealth Affirmation

2009-04-14T20:18:00.000-07:00

Every time you have any thought or feeling you are really sending a request to the Universe about what you want to create. The quality of your thoughts and feelings acts like a guide which the Universe uses to generate circumstances in your life. Generally, positive thoughts and feelings will yield positive circumstances, while negative thoughts and feelings will manifest negative circumstances. The subconscious mind is the key to manifestation. Be consistent with your thoughts and reap the benefits the Universe has to offer. List Of Affirmations: I am always on the path towards Enlightenment. I am the healing source of love, power, and enlightened thoughts. I find everyone very enlightening to be with. I am ascending to higher states of consciousness everyday.

I am now receiving all the Love and Freedom that I need. I am always guided towards the Light. My feet never leave the path towards enlightenment. I am totally vibrant, joyful, and fully alive here and now. I experience myself as an empowering, compassionate, and enlightening being in each moment. I am grateful for being enlightened by the divine beings that are always coming my way. I am 100% committed to my spiritual path and creating a more enlightened state of being in my life. I am a creative being who is connected to the Infinite Intelligence. I easily access my creativity in the most challenging situations. I immediately connect with the higher spiritual being in everyone I meet. I am naturally creative and love creating new ideas and things. I am the divine source of creativity. I experience a wholeness and higher wisdom in my thinking. I am an inspirational creative source for all people. I am intimately connected to the highest source of intelligence right now. I am thankful that divine creativity continues to flow through me daily. I am 100% committed to knowing this divine connection with the Infinite Creative Intelligence within me now.

I have plenty of money to feel financially secure and at ease. I am a powerful abundant being with plenty of money. Divine abundance is my natural state of being. Infinite riches are flowing to me easily and effortlessly. Thousands of dollars are freely entering my bank account right now. I am now making all the money I want with joy and ease. I can generate an abundance of money doing exactly what I love doing. I make the right decisions that produce the greatest financial return. I always make plenty of money to enjoy my rich life now. I feel rich inside and grateful for the money I have right now. Everybody is supporting me in creating financial abundance. Every investment I make brings me joy and a great financial return. I am blessed with great abundance; it is my divine natural state of being. I purchase what makes my heart sing and it just makes me richer. I am spiritually guided towards what makes my life richer. Every dollar I spend returns to me in 10 times the amount. I am thankful for a healthy relationship with money; money is my friend. I am 100% committed to being at peace with money I am financially free! My income greatly surpasses my expenses. I have a successful ability to consistently generate an abundant income. All the money I need is flowing into my bank account right now. My passive income streams naturally exceed my expenses each month. I have an increasing income that easily exceeds my expenses. I am generous and have plenty of money to share with the world. It is fun and easy to make a lot of money.

I am a powerful manifesting being. I can create anything I can dream. Whatever my mind can conceive, I can achieve. All my desires are easily manifested. The Universe supports me in manifesting everything I want. I can easily manifest my desires and have FUN doing it. I am always in touch with my natural ability to manifest.

ButtaflyKisses...

2009-04-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

ButtaflyKisses Massage Therapy here to serve you!
Massage is a vital part of self-care that has a positive ripple effect on us as we work, play, and care for others. Massage can boost immunity, helping fend off illness–meaning fewer medical bills and days off work. Better sleep, reduced anxiety, and a sense of emotional balance are just a few additional benefits of bodywork during tough times.

Other Benefits:

Reduces anxiety
Reduces the flow of stress hormones
Improves sleep
Boosts the immune system
Improves energy levels and reduces fatigue
Improves concentration
Increases circulation
Improves self-esteem
Reduces frequency of headaches
Releases endorphins

If not with me, Find solace in your health at the touch of healing hands from a great massage therapist near you.

The Buttafly Movement

2009-01-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

buttafly.Writes!

Check out my newly self publshed books of poetry and prose at www.lulu.com, available for preview and purchase.

The Buttafly Movement

2009-01-03T13:31:00.000-08:00

The Buttafly Movement seeks to foster a therapeutic environment that encourages, healing, creativity, and liberation in every aspect of life (mind, body, spirit)!

30min...$30

60min...$60

90min...$90

2hrs...$120

Traveling....additional $25

All payments in cash.

The Truth is...

2008-11-14T17:54:00.000-08:00

What is the truth about me….The truth is, I am hurting, and everyday I am fighting a constant battle with my mind; which seeks to devour, distract, destroy and deviate me from the plan and purpose God has for my life. My mind, a powerful entity it is, shows me the counterfeit of truth. It reminds me that no one understands, that I am alone, that I am crazy, over analyzing, over reacting….that no one can hear me…no one can see me…no one knows…not even myself.

I find my self on days of happiness and when I am comfortable, trying to hold on to those moments for dear life as if my last breath depended on it. Because, truth be told, my life does depend on it. I do depend on those moments of joy and peace that I cant comprehend or explain why I feel as free as I do…all I know is that I need this moment, I’ve been waiting for this moment, I cant let this moment leave me…because then, I’ll be faced to deal with me….the enemy…inner me….I’ll be left to hear the crying and feel the throbbing in my head and experience the pain of agony and not being able to swallow….suicide, depression, frustration, weariness, and hope lost, like trying to tread on a dream when the water feels low. I am left to deal with my issues…some surface, some deeper in my tissues. I am left to deal with me, to spend too much time alone and wonder how did I get here…and then get distracted in wondering so much on what got me here that I cant see how much depth I have uncovered…’til I can’t see my way out! I Can breathe! Cant deal…Cant live…..but I cant leave.

I am a prisoner of words unsaid. I trap myself further every time I stay silent. Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise…a piece of myself for peace in myself….for compassion, compromise, kindness and expectation-But there’s no where to run when you’ve caged yourself. Yet, even something as beautiful as birth leaves its own scars….but that doesn’t mean it is any less beautiful than it was created to be. It has a purpose to serve, even chaos; for out of chaos births opportunity and change. Now how could I forfeit opportunity and change. How could I forfeit life…..How could I leave.

How could I leave this life; although it is trial and error with me….
The trials most unbearable and the errors, more often unbeatable.
But this is my life…tailor made with success, problems, joy and pain just for me.
And in the midst of its unbearable, unbeatable weights….I carry the burden of hope
Proudly with wings as beautiful as butterflies to carry me into purpose…..to carry me to life…to carry me in hope.

And to what do I credit hope?...Love
But what happened to the Love that gave you courage?
Made you feel like you could do anything you desired…
Made you feel like a better person, made you manifest
The very thing you felt…power(ful).
Who can really understand the hurt of love?
The grievance of love?
The miscarriage of something so empowering…
Yet, I no longer love…presently, I hurt.
And while I hurt
I am hopeful
And while I hurt
I still desire, I still need, I still want,,,I still,,,I still
While I hurt… I still love.

Two of my favorite....

2008-10-31T05:43:00.000-07:00

You

I like your way
Your moving slips into my stillness
It silenced me.

The way night lies in deep water
I want to lie with you.

Can you be my second skin?
I’ll peel the scent of you with each thrust.

You make me feel like singing in the shower…No fear.

Touch Me…

Hands like a magnetic force
The way fingertips
Direct my spine to arch
That simple touch
As my body breaks itself down
To my heart’s own musical backbeat
With permission
You release tears of joy-perpetrating as sweat
Creating surfaces glistening wet
Feels like we have our very own air
Caught in the rapture of you pulling my hair
and never mind time
You got me feeling like
This poem doesn’t even have to rhyme
‘Cause I can’t remember
if it was my right or my left…
that you teased and caressed?
I see Angels when you spread my legs
They turn into wings
‘cause I could fly away
on you being the air I breathe
I feel low, slow pants
When you take me there
Yet, I tell you to slow down
It’s too much…
I can’t catch up with my heart’s beat,
My eyes can’t control
what my mind don’t believe.
They say repetition sings a contagious beat,
Somethin’ like a routine or it seems
I could get used to this feeling,
Like when you watch me
from the passenger seat, or
when you’re sitting right next to me,
kissing my right or my left….
Hands like a magnetic force
The way fingertips
Direct my body to arch
At my heart’s own musical backbeat…
You s l o w l y……touch me.

Realize...Readjust

2008-10-25T16:29:00.000-07:00

With the twisting, turning and binding paths of my life
I realize this unbelievable strife
In the depths of my soul
To feel the trifle ness of my enemies
And the problems that confront me
I realize the waves of this rapid river
Flowing into my knowledge
Enriched by motivation
In contrast to the downstream of my worries
And my inquiring fears-passing the currents
Of ignorance
These little insects of despair have been biting me
In the worst way
Biting my intellect and savoring on my most prized possessions
Within my mind
After serious thought,
The biting no longer irritates, but nourishes my soul
Suddenly, I am beginning to sprout like a sunflower
Following the sun
Flourishing pieces of me are taken
And cast out by the wind
Into the midst of a mirror of opportunities
I am the burning cascades of sand
And an array of merit and culture
Submerged in water, I feel myself breathing
In and out
Trying to decide if I’m in the water
Or looking upon the waves of deep blackness
The essence in every ripple
Strong currents of culture
Forced to make a person of disbelief drown
In their own domain of pain
In the drowning
I inhale all intellect
All self realization, all esteem
All growth and change
I barely have seconds to exhale
I retain all, surrounded by a force field
Surrounded by the purest of auras
Pure thought-pure unique consciousness
Surrounded by the purest of environments
The brownest of skin tones
And the blackest of souls
I embrace my forming visions,
which slowly transform
Into a complete and unstained
Manifestation of self
I wear my soul as if it were clothing
An outer covering against
A furious state of confusion
My presence completes this world
I am this missing element
The undiscovered link
To unite all people to one true
Quest of humanity
The quest to find self
I speak the language of trees
A baby to nurture myself
Finding myself in the depths
Of an inner maze
It can only be accredited
By the many blessings from
The Highest meaning
The Savior, the Christ
The being of all omnipotence
Just as I feel myself drowning
I undergo metamorphosis and fly away
As a single black butterfly
Landing on the next soul
Paving the next path of discovery
Realizing the basis of all that enlightenment,
The foundation of all productivity
The answer for all pondering questions
Humanity’s Ultimate Goal:
The discovery of self
And the realization of life.

He Knows Me.

2008-10-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

He knows me

This faceless being intrudes
knocking on all chambers simultaneously.
What could he want, all that I possess?
Don't have much to give,
a word
a look
a thousand feelings summed up in one touch and
instantly he will know me completely.
No secrets, no lies
It will all written in the iris of my eyes.
Then he transforms me into a spirit,
Never before existing until I call his name.
But I know him as the one...
The one who can give all that I desires.
The one who is the closest to my father,
whom I admires.
The one whose life I inspires.
Awakening the best part of me.
he knocks on all chambers...
and without hesitation,
I invite him in.

Piece-full Thoughts

2008-10-25T16:22:00.000-07:00

From my beginning, poetry has made itself the art of surprise. It continuously washes my eyes to nude perceptions, bringing exposure to the feel of inhumanity and sublimity. Teasing aromas of the unexpected, those only a writer can hear, grace my palate with a familiar strangeness. Writing is my everyday exoticism. Just as color has been the marker of race, my schizophrenic poetic images take me beyond the norms.

I invite you to experience a collection of poetry, in its lovemaking essence, that produces a new sound of pleasure from all five senses; sounds of life, love, and spirituality.

Piece-full Thoughts

February’s fornication
Shadowed by death in April
Sweet nectar
From God’s divine loveliness
Undesirable situations manifest
Baptized in my waters
Life quickens like panther moves
Spirits lace over my shoulders
Hearts identity no longer revealed
Through eyes
Bodies twist
Like a homemade bungee cord
Breath as rope,
Rope as memory stretching back
Sweetness
With a head full of tree parts
Organ grinds and holy water drips
From my fingertips
I remember
When we were just notes
Covered in skin
I adapted to his breath
While I slept,
I saw heaven in his smile,
I heard gospel in his laugh
He makes me surrender
To the person I really am
In a room
Full of so many imperfections.

2008-10-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are we NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not only in some of us, it’s in everyone.And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson